Curse

Junato · Apr 08, 2009, 08:37 PM // 20:37

Rules:
Jokes must be appropriate and must be easy to comprehend. But if you have a joke that needs more comprehension to get it feel free if it applies to dirty

Objective:
To find the best joke out there

I will start off
I study by using this method: Conceptualize, Rephrase, Analyse and Plan

jiggles · Apr 08, 2009, 09:25 PM // 21:25

Got this off a website i frequent, i found it rather amusing;

Quote:

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning up against the headboard, looking satisfied, smoking a cigarette. The egg, acting disgruntled, grabs the sheets and rolls over, saying, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question."

Snow Bunny · Apr 08, 2009, 10:17 PM // 22:17

A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate.

All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears.
"What's wrong" asks the mother.
"I was peeing and this bullet came out" replies the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was pees and this bullet came out". Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago.

A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay" says the mom, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out."
"No," says the boy, "I was playing with myself and shot the dog."

Good variation is "I was receiving oral and killed Sandra"

pumpkin pie · Apr 08, 2009, 10:24 PM // 22:24

this is my favourite.

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem". The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag." The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.

They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry.

"Oh, yeh, dis looks good," replies Paddy.

They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. "I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'.

As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous for me"

PART TWO

A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun.

"Hi Paddy. Watch this," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT!, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting nider"

PART THREE

A few minutes after Seamus splats him self Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'.

Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result.

Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrot shooting and now yous blimmin' hen gliding"

subarucar · Apr 09, 2009, 03:16 AM // 03:16

An Irishman, a Scotsman and an Englishman are going to the olypmics. When they arrive, they realise that they forgot their tickets. The Irishman begins to turn around and head back for the tickets, when the Englishman says "Ive got an idea".

The englishman cuts his pants at the knee, rips of his shirt off and pulls an old long fencing post out of the ground. He walks up to the athletes entrance and says the the security guard "Edwards, for the javelin." The security guard lets him through.

The Scotsman, realising this is a wonderfull idea, rips his shirt and makes a kilt from it. He then carfully removes a hubcap from a car and makes his way towards the athletes entrance. He says "Wallace, for the dicuss". The security guard lets him through.

The Irishman then makes his way to the athletes entrance. Covered in barbed wire, carrying a wooden post in each hand he says "O'Reiley, for the fencing".

artay · Apr 11, 2009, 08:45 AM // 08:45

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

The holocaust.

Mars Dragonblade · Apr 11, 2009, 10:19 AM // 10:19

Why was the washing machine laughing?

It was taking the p*ss out of the pants.

xDusT II · Apr 11, 2009, 12:43 PM // 12:43

Three Irishmen walked past a bar.

Stolen from XKCD:

A: I used to think correlation implied causation, then I took a class in statistics, now I don't.
B: Sounds like the course helped.
A: Well, maybe.

Mike_version2 · Apr 11, 2009, 01:52 PM // 13:52

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are camping at night when Holmes nudges his colleague and says: “Tell me what you see."

Watson ponders: I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" says Holmes.

“That there are billions of galaxies and planets; that God is all powerful and that we are insignificant. Why, what does it tell you?”

"Watson, you idiot. Our tent has been stolen."

Faer · Apr 11, 2009, 03:12 PM // 15:12

Look in a mirror.

Bobby2 · Apr 11, 2009, 04:25 PM // 16:25

Three vampires with stereotypical accents walked into a bar; one Russian, a German, and the last an Englishman. Upon being asked by the waitress-thrall what they wanted to drink, the Russian replied "Da, blood of course. Make it quick!" The German likewise said "Blut, ja? I'm zirsty.", whereas the Englishman merely asked for a cup of boiling water.

The Russian and German were quick to gulp down the crimson liquid, thirsty of the hunt. They then looked in amazement at the Englishman, who was still busily rummaging through his pockets - surely his throat was as dry as theirs? The Englishman's eyes then lit up, producing a used tampon: "Tea time!"

Joe Fierce · Apr 11, 2009, 08:58 PM // 20:58

whats the last thing that enters a bugs mind as it hits the windshield of a car?

it's ass.

MMSDome · Apr 11, 2009, 09:46 PM // 21:46

I heard this one years ago and thought it was hilarious.

There is a fly hovering flying above the river and just below him there is a fish swimming. The fish thinks to himself "If that fly drops 6 inches I will be able to jump up and catch him."

Meanwhile on the side of the river there is a bear noticing all this going on and he thinks to himself "If that fly drops 6 inches that fish will jump up and I can catch him."

Meanwhile uphill there is a hunter looking down on all this and says to himself "If that fly drops 6 inches the fish will jump up to get the fly, the bear will move out of the way of the brush and get the fish giving me a clear shot at the bear."

Meanwhile there is a mouse behind the hunter thinking to himself; "If that fly drops six inches the fish will jump up to eat it the bear will move out of the way of the brush to get the fish and the hunter will be distracted while trying to shoot the bear giving me the perfect chance to eat the hunters sandwich."

Meanwhile there is a cat hiding in some bushes thinking to himself; "If that fly drops 6 inches the fish will jump up to eat it, the bear will move out of the brush to eat the fish, the hunter will have a clear shot at the bear and the mouse will move in to get the sandwich giving me the perfect opportunity to catch the mouse."

Finally all of this happens, the fly drops 6 inches, the fish jumps up to eat it, the bear comes out of the brush, the hunter goes to take his shot. But as the mouse is getting the sandwich the cat jumps out and misses the mouse and fall down the hill and into the water.

What is the moral of this story?

If a fly drops 6 inches a pussy is bound to get wet.

artay · Apr 13, 2009, 04:26 AM // 04:26

Womens Rights.

Aera · Apr 13, 2009, 08:21 AM // 08:21

Quote:

Originally Posted by artay

Womens Rights.

So you also think women's suffrage so be stopped?

pumpkin pie · Apr 13, 2009, 09:34 AM // 09:34

you decide which one, but i think laughing at the opposite sex overall is the funnest

Lunch
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."

Going to Town
The sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots.

So the sheriff arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

Cowboy says " Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her....and I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt. so I did....

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants so I did...

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts... So I did...

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of funny and says, Now go to town cowboy....

So here I am.

Condoms
Three businessmen were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The first says, "I'll tell you, my wife is so stupid, last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge big enough to keep it in!"

The second agrees that she sounds pretty think, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"

The third, a blond male, nods sagely and agrees that these two women sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.

However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "I have to laugh when I think about it," he chuckles. "Last week my wife left on a vacation to Greece. I watched her packing her bags and she must have taken at least five boxes of condoms with her. She doesn't even have a penis."

Junato · Apr 14, 2009, 01:43 PM // 13:43

I win,

got this one from jokes central:

"Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.

As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts, "Save the women!"

George W. Bush hysterically hollers, "Screw the women!"

Bill Clinton's asks excitedly, "Do we have time?" "

Dante the Warlord · Apr 14, 2009, 06:49 PM // 18:49

1. College Professor

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

2. You know the book Men are from Mars, Women from Venus? Well, here's a prime example of that. This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca (last name deleted) and Gary (last name deleted).

English 44A

SMU

Creative Writing

Prof. Miller

In class Assignment for Wednesday:

Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached. And now, the Assignment as submitted by

Rebecca & Gary:

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far...". But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for physically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel", Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?", she pondered wistfully.

Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu-udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu-udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

A$$hole.

B*tch.

3. Seniors

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong -- and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The receptionist said, "Yes, sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

He replied, "There's something wrong with my dick."

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong, and I told you."

The receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private." "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone," the man said. Then he walked out and waited several minutes before re-entering.

The receptionist smiled smugly and said, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear."

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't piss out of it."

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

The lesson: Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose

ALL FOUND ON FUNNY.COM I didn't make them... i just thought they were really funny

BadgerznPie · Apr 17, 2009, 12:18 AM // 00:18

Do you like fishsticks? Do you like putting fishsticks in your mouth? What are you, a gay fish?

English Warrior · Apr 17, 2009, 12:34 AM // 00:34

kinda sick but:
Has anyone else noticed that "Maddie" is an anagram of "I'm dead"?